Night Masks, Book III of The Cleric Quintet, Collectors Edition, page 539.

“The curse of intelligence,” Danica muttered ironically. Cadderly regarded her over his shoulder once more. “You cannot believe anything you cannot prove beyond doubt,” she said to him. “Must everything be tangible? Is there no room for faith in a mind that can unravel any of the lesser mysteries?”

Couple this with,

In Sylvan Shadows, Book II of The Cleric Quintet, Collectors Edition, page 253.

“Your perceptions of the world will change often as you grow,” Pertelope said quietly, so that the others would not hear. “And while the words in the book remain the same, your reading of them will not.”

Let me share a little story with all reading this journal.

I have shared several times, albeit cryptically and indirectly, that I have been facing an internal struggle over myself. Several years ago, less than 4, a friend of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I had ever read The Dark Elf Trilogy about Drizzt Do’Urden based in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting of D&D. I, rather detached and uninterested, answered no. I had always preferred self-created campaign settings for my D&D play, haughtily and stupidly, viewing people who played in pre-created and sold campaign settings lesser and weaker D&D players with less-than-ample imaginations for my then favorite game. Some years later, around 2 or 3, my desire to read something fantasy based gnawed at my mind. I had quit playing D&D out of frustration. My imagination has an insatiable appetite and D&D was doing little to sate said appetite, creating more agitation than pleasure. Thus, I called this friend and requested the books he mentioned to me. Within 30 days I had read 3,000 pages about Drizzt. These included: The Dark Elf Trilogy, The Icewind Dale Trilogy, The Legacy of the Drow (4 books), and Paths of Darkness (4 books).

Those 30 days fell within a larger span of 8 months that my girl friend and I had been broken up, while I was also dealing ( and still am ) with some powerful spiritual and moral questioning of myself. These books rang out to me with a power surpassing any scripture I have ever read. I could not believe it! I have several pages of notes from reading a fictional book!

More importantly, as the second quote above talks about, these books existed long before I began my trials and quest for answers inside myself. Their texts had not changed. As I read through them though I was touched every step of the way.

It seemed I possessed an internal time-table which dictated when I should read what books. I flowed through them as fast as I could, sometimes reading from early in the evening until as early as 4 or 5 in the morning. Yet, each story touched me as I needed it, when I needed it.

Take for example the story of Wulfgar’s struggle with himself later in the Drizzt books. For those of you who’ve read the books, you know what I’m talking about. I came upon those pages just as I needed to. I identified with his struggle at the time as it were my own.

Although I identify with Drizzt the most, and still do, every character, every story, every twist held something that I needed to hear to keep me going.

I just read the Hunter’s Blades Trilogy a few days ago (1,000 pages in 3 days) and now I’ve started The Cleric Quintet. As you can see I’m already on the 500th page and beyond, yet I’ve only been reading it since Sunday…

And these quotes struck me as powerfully as Wulfgar’s Aegis Fang could have. I sat there as I read the first quote and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had not seen that coming. I had no idea Danica was about to spit out words which would affect me so powerfully. But, she did. And here I sit.

I couldn’t read any farther into the book until I wrote my thoughts down. I asked myself… NO… I told myself that these words, although unexpected, would hold something for me in the future. I asked myself what the significance might hold for me. Yet I could not, nor would I want to, answer that question, now…

Will I again pick up the scriptures and study them again, as I have not for nearly 2 years?
Would I be able to kneel again, and speak to God?
I have maintained my vigil and front of a Christian. My morals are unwavering and my principles iron clad. Those will never change or falter. Not even under the threat of death, were it to come to that. However, I did not believe many of the tennants of Christianity, rather, I was questioning them. Had Christ really walked the Earth? Was Christian history any where NEAR accurate?

I told myself at the time that it did not matter. And, at the time, it didn’t.
I chose to continue following Christianity.
I made the decision and prepared myself to continue on that path.
I realized the world would be the better for me doing so, rather than me choosing a path of agnosticism, which I could never accept.

I have seen many powers of God revealed before me.
Of course I question those experiences after their occurrence, but I cannot deny them.
I think, perhaps, that we underestimate our own power, inside us, and our own wills.

I have often hypothesized about us being the power source and religion being the catalyst to bring about such “miracles” and “religious experiences” in modern day.


I cannot deny the power I’ve felt in my own life.
I cannot deny the ways that have opened to me, when they needed to open to me, and not a moment to soon or to late.
I cannot deny a sense of purpose above myself and beyond anything I understand.

For a long time I did not understand, and I tried to deny much around me.

No more…

I’ve got life ahead of me, and I’ve got a lot more to figure out, but all in due time.